Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.