[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
WTF IS THAT!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
our love story in four pictures
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.