[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
How tf did it end up there?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.