Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit