Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
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Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
When you’re Kinky but poor
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.