INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
