Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training