Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
