Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
You Might Also Like
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Holy shit he’s back
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Every time my phone rings
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*