Material possessions mean nothing to me.
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Baby Bear: Someone’s been eating my porridge!
Mama: That’s wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama’s porridge anymore.
Papa: Jesus, Linda…
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:
“Let me see your phone”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.