Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Did my cat write this
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe