Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

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Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.


Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.


I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”


Baby Bear: Someone’s been eating my porridge!

Mama: That’s wonderful, dear. Papa never eats Mama’s porridge anymore.

Papa: Jesus, Linda…


I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.


If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.


As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be:

“Let me see your phone”


DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor


I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.