Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit