Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full