Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW