*Inspirational Tweets*
You Might Also Like
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
*gets down on one knee*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.