Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.