inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
BaD BoY!!
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”