inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
You Might Also Like
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.