inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I never know how much to tip a cow.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years