Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
You Might Also Like
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
LMAO
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone