Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today