Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I did not eat the cake…
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”