Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir