Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

Natural selection at its finest

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.