Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”

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To be clear, I’ll take a $1400 check from anybody. It doesn’t just have to be the government.


[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma


[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.


me: I assumed garlic worked on witches too
friend in large boiling cauldron with me: you just made us delicious


If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.


Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?


“Guess what!”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”


If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.


You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.