Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.
Instagram: A girl with her boyfriend of 2 weeks with the caption: “Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs but what couple hasn’t?”
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.