Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close