instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
problems i need
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”