[First Day As a Babysitter]
“Alexa, change the kid’s diaper”
Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t