These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield