Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Flowers bee like

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel