Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’