Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

🍞🦆

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad