Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
i’m still crying at this
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.