Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

ㅤ

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

fixed it