Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Ferrari squats
Big Sex has us all fooled
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.