Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
You are not alone 💚
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Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday