Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle