instagram is literally just screenshots of twitter
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
yikes
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?