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“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things