instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
you will never know the true number of layers
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
