instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
There is wisdom there.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
