Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?