Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane