Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

same energy

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Last-minute gift idea!

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

dead inside

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores