Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

PARKOUR

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.