Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.