Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.