instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..