instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
All generalizations are stupid.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10