My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Breaking news:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Life is a suicide mission.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.