Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.