Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

I think I’m having a stroke

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.