Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
pictures of spider-man
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out