Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.