Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
#gardening
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.