Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Ummm

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real