[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
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Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.