Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences