Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Harsh but fair
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas