Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree