Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.