Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
real
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back