Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.