“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.