Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?