Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

I Can’t Tonight…

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Who called it baking and not making love

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life