Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties