*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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A completely valid reaction tbh
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
termite twitter scares me
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.