*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I enjoy a good short stor
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]