Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑