Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god