Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.